Anderson and Nash's Slave and Stone Emporium

For several months now, Fox News has been running commercials for various scams that try to get people's money by convincing them that they need to prepare for the end of the world TODAY. But you know how Fox is, with their naiveté and eternal optimism. The following ad is a little less hopeful and a teeny bit more barbaric. Sadly it's a TV ad so it loses something in its written form, but please enjoy nonetheless. If anyone knows someone who could make this kind of thing, please let me know! Without further ado:

Pan across a deserted oil field. Then flash over to riots.

Narrator: Our natural resources are being stolen by Jews, queers, and other liberal minions. (Show a good Christian baby crying) Oil reserves are running out, gold is rarer than a Democrat in church, and seed stocks are drying up. With civilization on the brink , you’ll need to provide for your family when the economy reverts to the Stone Age. When that happens, we’ll be ready. We’re Anderson and Nash’s Slave and Stone Emporium.

Anderson: Hi! I’m Toby Anderson, co-owner of Anderson and Nash’s Slave and Stone Emporium! We want you to be prepared when the shit hits the fan, and that’s why we carry the two things you'll need most when you're tanning on New Mexico's beautiful beaches: stone, and human beings. And boy do we have a selection for you! From your basic igneous to the practical sedimentary to the flashier metamorphic, we carry a rock for every budget! And the uses are virtually endless: Tupperware, skin care, entertainment, even prophylactics. (Respectively, show: a stone container with person struggling to somehow fit a top on it, someone using a flint to pop a blemish, a family sitting on a stone sofa laughing at a blank stone TV, and two people under a blanket with pained looks on their faces) The end is nigh, and if you don’t want to be caught in the dark (show a stone light bulb with zero light coming from it), you’ll invest in stone, today. "But Anderson," you might say, "stone is heavy! How will I ever transport it once mutant immigrants have taken over Washington?"

Nash (who’s huge): That’s where I come in. I’m Adolf Nash, and I’m here to solve all of your labor needs. We carry the finest selection of slaves this side of Cambodia. Don’t sacrifice style for substance like you would at other slave emporiums. Our team of design experts are here to find a slave to match every décor. And with a wide variety of races, colors, and creeds on display, you’re sure to find something you like. Interested in a durable limestone? Don’t let those frauds elsewhere match you up with any old slave! At Anderson and Nash we get creative: The pyramids of Giza are limestone, so why not pair it with a slightly annoying, yet tax savvy, Jew or, how about a hardy Egyptian? It not only looks great, but it’s a history lesson for the kids too!

No matter the slave’s origin, they all serve one purpose: to act as a ready labor supply when all other labor supplies fail. That’s right everyone, even after our factories have been liquidated to build Obama’s megamosques across America, our moderately well-fed slaves (Nash walks up to a sickly looking slave. He puts his hand on the slave’s shoulder and his knees buckle, forcing Nash to awkwardly catch him) will be here to do, heh, just about anything you want them to. From lifting stone, to moving stone, to testing your stone food for poison, our slaves can serve all of your end-of-the-world needs…and desires! (Hold up aforementioned stone prophylactic; wink). So come on down to Anderson and Nash’s Slave and Stone Emporium... with two convenient locations just 800 miles off the Atlantic shoreline, it's never been easier to stop on by! Don’t come alone, don’t come armed, and bring as much food as you can! See you soon folks!