Mocking the Bible, verse by verse

For better or worse, the Bible has been a source of inspiration to people for thousands of years. Millions have scoured its pages for guidance and hope. More recently, it has been an invaluable resource to anthropologists, archaeologists, and sociologists who have studied it to learn about ancient Mesopotamian history and culture. Some have even used the glaring logical fallacies in the Bible to poke fun at Christianity and a certain omnipotent being, who, at His own request, shall remain anonymous here. But these individuals have stuck to big-picture humor and have neglected the ridiculously common gems that can be found throughout the So-So Book.

To rectify this situation, I have started a quest to mock God’s Word from cover-to-cover. From raining fireballs on a whim, to closing up a million wombs on a slight fancy, to flooding the earth because he was in the mood, I shine my spotlight of obnoxious sarcasm on each of God's subtle lessons and silly pranks.

I'm only up to the end of Genesis, but even that's enough melodrama to keep the dopes on All My Children busy for five seasons. Here are a few from that one time when God made us from dirt:

Genesis 2:7— the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.
~Later, Peter Safar and James Elam would show God up by creating mouth-to-mouth, a decided improvement of His mouth-to-nostril resuscitation technique.

Genesis 2:15—The LORD God took the man and set him in the garden of Eden, to work it and to watch it.
~And God hath said unto Adam “…and here are my prize-winning begonias. You will trim them weekly, fertilize them biweekly, and water them lightly twice a day. Hey, escuchando, señor? Dos veces por dia. If my babies die I’ll have your ass deported. This is Eden, not America—there are standards.”

Genesis 2:20— So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field.
~But being unable to spell doryfera johannae, eutamias amoenus, or rangifer tarandus without Adam’s help, God went with hummingbird, chipmunk, and reindeer instead.